I loved you before I could have you.

I am so overwhelmed by the number of support cards and calls I have received the past couple of days. I honestly wasn't expecting any of this. Isolating myself and my experience in this process and then to open the cards and read the words from my family and friends just reminds that I am never alone and that this isn't just mine and my husband's experience but a collective one. I take this journey on the the wings of their wishes and hopes and am comforted to be loved so fully.

The first injection starts tomorrow and I can't decide if it's the beginning or the end. It's the beginning of IVF but the end of waiting, the end of trying everything else. Closing the book but starting the sequel.

I have been thinking about childrens books lately. I am so drawn to the kids section in the bookstore. In my line of work I have more then likely read every kids book ever written. I can recite some in my head and some I can tell you the title with my eyes closed, just the feel of the raised pictures. One of my favorites is a book written by Jamie Lee Curtis called 'Tell me about the night I was born'. In the book Jamie is explaining how she adopted her daughter and the night she was born. It's a breathtaking book about adoption and I always tear up reading it. It makes me think about my future child and what I will tell him/her about how we were able to have them. What will I say?

I know I will tell my children that I loved them before I could have them. That I searched for them for years and that I never lost hope of finding them. That I could feel the weight of their bodies in my arms before I ever held them. And that everyday I woke up with them on my mind and fell asleep dreaming of them. My children may need science to get into this world but they have been in my heart forever.