If someone tells you something or shows you the results of a test sometimes it can still seem untrue. I found it hard to believe that I was pregnant during the first part of this pregnancy. Almost unsure if being excited was the right emotion. I was told by doctors I was pregnant and I saw several ultrasounds that proved something was growing inside me. But I never fully let myself believe it until the other night.
Around 3 in the morning I was awoken by a violent jolt coming from my lower stomach. So far any movement I have felt had been very fluttery or butterfly like nothing that was a jolt. I sat straight up grasped the area of my tummy and then I felt it. Not just inside, my hand felt the kick. It was overwhelming. As if time itself stopped and it was just me in the dark. The movement lasted for over 20 minutes. I just laid there rubbing my hand over my belly.. I found myself talking to the baby. "It's okay baby, Mommy is here" Then it hit me, the tears started, mommy is here.. that mommy is me.
I loved this baby before it was possible to have one. And now to feel the baby makes that love grow so deep I feel overwhelmed. How can you love something so deep that you have never laid eyes on? I can barely breathe now thinking about the moment I get to hold him/her...
I think I got lost in the process of infertility... a ship on a rough sea. I could always see the light house in the distance but the light seemed so far away, never catching up to it. I caught up to it at 3am... grasping my stomach and crying. I was found.