I stopped myself this morning and actually recognized I am so happy today. A little taken back by this overwhelming feeling of bliss. It's odd to have happiness stop you dead in your tracks. I felt like I had to find the source of this joy. And as I was searching for the source I realized I've been blissful for months now.
I doubt most people question their happiness like I have done. I know my search stems from the fact that if I would of seen a doctor I would of been told I had depression the last 3 years. I don't think I am the only person that would agree with that either. I know my Mom and hubby have mentioned it in the past.
Moving to Seattle was such a huge transition for me. It may sound very cliche but the weather really affected me. Coming from Idaho where you get sunshine 350 days a year to Seattle where the sun is only out 100 days a year was hard. Seattle doesn't have rain everyday but in the fall and winter its grey. The sky is just grey. It also is dark at 4pm starting in September and lasting tell March. I could never really adjust to it. I would want to be in bed by 5 and just sleep.
Add a new city away from family and friends and put infertility on top of that you have yourself a recipe of depression. When I look back I was sick a lot in those 3 years. Colds, headaches anything that was out there I caught it. It was just a really hard time for me.
I also at the time didn't open up about my struggle with infertility. I only opened up to my Mom and best friend. And the one person I had physically in front of me every night, hubby, I blocked most of my pain from him. Looking back now, I should of reached out sooner. I shouldn't of let the pain overtake me like that. I was just making matters worse.
I noticed a change in myself around New Years. I started the blog and was open about my infertility and accepted the fact I live in Seattle. Although that is sometimes a struggle, I am now open to the city more. Trying new things, making an effort to meet new friends.
Now that I am pregnant I don't have any of those old feelings. I have excitement again. As the belly grows I feel I am reminding myself of who I use to be. I am reintroducing myself to me. The struggle of doctor appointments and negative test results are gone. I've joined a meet up group for other expectant moms and hubby and I have really started to explore the city more each weekend.
This morning I scheduled a maternity photo shot. Seems unreal to me. Next Wednesday, hubby, Darwin and I are going to take photos of our growing family in a city I am growing to like... I couldn't of imagined this 3 years ago.
Here I am happy.