Playing hide & seek with the heart monitor

I had my biweekly appointment at the doctors office yesterday. The basic stuff. They check your weight ( always fun ), blood pressure and ask if I have any concerns or questions for them. The whole appointment lasts about 15 minutes. The best past of it though is that the doctor takes out this little hand held microphone thing, puts cold goo on your tummy and you get to hear the heart beat.

Every time my doctor has done this my little one pops right on that monitor. She never has to search and always comments on how easy it is to find. Well, yesterday the baby decided it would put me into sheer terror and not be so easy.

I laid on the bed, raised my shirt and the doctor started to place the monitor on my belly. The first spot, nothing... the second spot, nothing... the third spot, nothing..not even a faint thud. By the second search my heart started to sink, panic had set and I was already in the mind set off pulling the red cord and getting my butt into the ER. The doctor keep looking... and her face started to get really serious. Which is not a face I have ever seen on her. We are now at spot 6.. and we hear a very faint heartbeat. The doctor has placed the monitor basically on farthest side of my belly almost to my back. She seemed okay with this and offered some reason for the mishap, honestly, I wasn't really listening to her at this point. Even though she heard the heartbeat she wanted to do a test that would establish a base line for the baby.

I get escorted to a small room in the office that has a lazy boy chair and huge monitor next to it. I get strapped into this thing, two large rope type things get wrapped around my waist and a very nice nurse gets to play find the baby with the microphone attachment. I also get to hold this little pin like thing that is attached to the machine and every time I felt the baby I was suppose to press down. I told the nurse my Grandpa had something like this at the hospital but when he pushed it he got pain meds, and since I was in a state of panic I think I should get one too. She said no, but gave me orange juice to see if sugar would awake the baby more. She leaves me in the room, turns the lights down and says she would be back soon.

It's a super large machine and I can hear the baby on it. Which you would think would make me feel better..nope. I call hubby while attached to this thing. Because I am giver, and I didn't want to be the only one in a panic. And I knew he would panic right along with me. And he did not disappoint! Not that I am proud of calling him and getting him worked up before I knew the outcome from the doctor but I didn't want to be alone in this. I was honestly scared. I could hear the baby but the fact we had to be in the room listening for an extended period of time really made me fearful. There were so many things going through my brain.. I can't even begin to blog the scenarios that were going through my head. My doctor came into the room about 15 minutes later and looked over the scroll of paper that had the heart beat on it. She was very pleased with what she saw. She said everything was fine and that the baby is perfect. He/She was just being stubborn and in a position earlier that made it hard to hear the heart beat. She said they do that sometimes and I don't need to worry.

I was sent on my way and told to come back in two weeks. I called hubby and let him know it was a false alarm that we have a very devilish child who when born I will punish for putting me through that. =)

Have some more fun pictures from my trip to Boise....

road trip fun...Mom and stopped at this huge rest stop somewhere in Oregon and found this surprise near the bathroom. Of course I needed a picture next to it!

The view from my Avo' and Avo's house. That is my handsome Uncle Mark working with his horses. He and my Avo are horse whispers.. while getting ready that morning I watched him train his horse, it was litle watching a dance.. it was amazing

My first bike!!! It was kept at my Avo's house and over the years they kept in the barn and never got rid of it. When I showed up at her door step she had that waiting for me! She turned it into a flower basket. So cute! That bike has really held up!

Got to love going home...

Baby Shower!!

It finally came, my baby shower!! And it wasn't a shower it was a rain storm of love and gifts. It all started like this...

My Mom arrived in Seattle last week to drive to Boise with me. It's about an 8 hour drive and there was no way hubby was going to let me drive by myself. I haven't minded the drive the 10 times I have driven it in the past but this trip took its toll on me. The major reason is about 5 years ago I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my butt. I broke my coccyx or tailbone. Super ouch! Well that injury healed and life moved on. But as soon as I started to put on pregnancy weight and the baby started to put pressure on that area I have been in some pretty incredible pain. Sitting can be unbearable. So imagine a 8 hour car ride with a pregnant woman with a broken butt, yep, my Mom is saint. I drove for a couple hours then it was my Mom's turn as I sat in the passenger seat trying different seating arrangements for the rest of the way.

My Dad and little sister, Charlie flew in from Tampa Thursday evening. The 'core four' were back together. With so many new additions to our family, husband, boyfriend and other family members it was nostalgic and great to have it be the four of us.

Friday was my baby shower. And to start the day off Mom treated me and my sister to hair appointments. The last time I was sitting in a stylists chair was last winter. My last two hair treatments have been out of the box. So to have a professional haircut and color was so fantastic and needed. We were there for a coupe of hours and I really enjoyed the gossip and chatter with my sister and her best friend who came with us to the appointment. Not to mention that the hair stylists has been during my family's hair since I was in the 3rd grade!!

The shower was held at a new nightclub in downtown Boise called the Catacombs. Yes, very hip and fancy of us! It was catered by the french bistro above the club and to say the food was great is an understatement. Little french sandwiches, lots of cheese, stuffed mushrooms, mini quiches and did I mention cheese. My sister worked with a local cake guy, Greg Marsh and designed the world's cutest cake. And this guy can make the worlds tastiest cakes, and I don't even like cake!!

I really don't like baby shower games. So we only played one. My Mom made a 15 question quiz about my pregnancy and the winner got a prize. The questions were fun and amusing. And if people at the party have been reading the blog they had a really good shot at winning. My mother in law Charlie and my Avo (grandma) tied for first place!!

I really felt honored that so many woman were able to make it to the party. When I looked out at the crowd I was struck at how many of them had key roles in my life. My Mom is and was a superstar Mom and she surround my sister and I with strong independent women. And to be able to address them all at once was so satisfying and rewarding. And to be able to point out and be able to thank my friends, mother in law, sister and Mom was overwhelming. It felt like this baby is a collective of hopes from every woman in the room and to be able to express myself and my gratitude for their love and support will be a cherished memory for me.

Cake designed by my sister Charlie made by Greg Marsh:


My Mom, sister Charlie, me and the bump!


My Aunt Krista, Mom, sister Charlie and me!


My Avo ( grandma ) and future Bisavo ( great-grandma in Portuguese )


My best girlfriends minus one who started a new job in a new state that day!


So many amazing gifts... and incredibly cute gifts!


My bbf Karin, who is also my pregnancy partner in crime!


And the main reason we had the shower on Friday night, Saturday was the BSU home game! And my family is far too committed to our team to miss it! I mean come on, my Dad lives in Florida now and won't give up his season tickets! Below is a picture of my Mom, Charlie and I tailgating. My shirt which was a huge hit says "future Bronco inside" Gotta get this baby ready to be a BSU fan and maybe one day attend the college! *crossing fingers*

Now, I need to go finish my thank you cards and some how find room for all the gifts! I will post pictures of the nursery next week once we get everything settled in there. It looks so cute, just needs this baby in there!!!

Birthday Weekend

So Saturday was my birthday! I had a fantastic day, hubby really knows how to treat a birthday girl. He makes the whole day about me. Everything is about what I want and want to do, no questions asked. The word 'no' is not used on your birthday. =)

We started the day off with going down to the docks of Seattle. We had a great lunch of fish and chips. The sun was shinning, which was great because the forecast looked really nasty but nope, we got sunshine. From there we went to the Seattle Aquarium. Had a great time watching the fish and of course people watching all the tourists. After that we sat in the sunshine and had some icecream. It was a perfect day!

For dinner the hubby took me to our special romantic restaurant Serafina. We love this place! It's rustic Italian cooking. It's pure bliss. The food is amazing, the waitstaff is superb and the atmosphere is idyllic. We ate and ate and ate. When it came time for desert hubby had already pre-ordered before we got there. Out comes this mound of chocolate gelato with chocolate sauce smothering every inch! On top of this pile of heaven was a single candle. Hubby looked at me and told me to make a wish. I closed my eyes and started to blow the candle out. I suddenly stopped. I didn't have a wish! For the past 3 years without fail whenever asked to make a wish, be it my birthday or at a fountain it was always the same wish. "Baby" Here I was making my first wish pregnant, it was surreal. It has been so automatic to wish for this baby, it was always at the tip of my tongue, the center of my dreams and the beginning of every thought.

I don't think I will every forget that moment. I looked at hubby, my hand on my belly and I realized there is nothing to wish for... I had everything I ever wanted.

Heart Beat!!!

Had another appointment today with my wonderful doctor. Everything is going great. My belly measurements are right on track and the baby has already turned. So that means the head in already resting nicely in the pelvic region. The doctor said babies that easily turn like my did are "better behaved". I, of course took that as her saying my child will be the best child that ever lived but I guess she meant that if they turn on time you have less issues during the birth with breaching and other complications. However I am still going with "better behaved" as the best baby ever.

I also took a video of the heartbeat to share with the hubby since he was in Chicago. Of course it wouldn't send over the phone so he will have to view it tonight when he gets home. I am also going to post the video here!

Times they are embarrassing.

Being pregnant can be very embarrassing at times. Especially the last few months.

Examples of embarrassment:

I was on the phone with my Mother-in-law yesterday having a very nice conversation, as always. Unfortunately the conversation was taking place right after breakfast and I burped!! I burped into the phone! Pregnancy burps aren't like normal burps, they arrive without ANY warning.

This evening I was at our park next door throwing the ball around for Darwin. I had on my maternity yoga pants. The waist band sits right below the belly and are VERY comfortable. Well, since the waist is growing and things don't sit where they should anymore... I threw the ball and the movement made my pants fall down! I kid you not, there I was in the neighborhood park with my pants down to my ankles.

I no longer have comfortable "lounge" shirts. I have great maternity shirts but they are nice and more for outings. So in the house I wear one of my many yoga pants and one of hubby's college shirts. Well, hubby's college/fraternity shirts are old and washed many many times. They also have a lot of logos and sayings about drinking, women and all around boy stuff. The other night I ordered food from our local take out and when the guy arrived; there I was a 7 month pregnant chick wearing a shirt with a strip club logo. ::rolling eyes:: yep, it was a special moment between me and the delivery man.

What happened to my bladder? ( that's all I am going to say, I don't even need to tell you the 3 embarrassing stories about my bladder because you know what I am getting at )

I can now get into the bath tub but getting out of the tub seems to be impossible. Screaming for hubby to come rescue me from three feet of water. Because nothing screams embarrassment like a large woman stuck in a bath tub!

I now have no depth perception of how far the belly sticks out. I'm constantly running into things or not opening something far enough to let the belly in. This weekend at the football game Hubby had to pull the car out of the parking space because there was no way my belly was going to be able to squeeze threw our car and the car next to us. Hold on traffic, while my husband repositions the car to let his wife and his wife's belly bump out first.

Speaking of embarrassment: where did my ankles go?

Luckily I find all these moments really funny. I wear my embarrassment like a badge of honor. And since I have such a good sense of humor about it I can always turn that embarrassment right around onto hubby. He gets so embarrassed whenever I break into my baby belly dance. It's just like your picturing it in your head. I move to the movement and do 'vogue' type motions around the belly. It's classic!

"If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like."

Nesting

Those crazy stories of pregnant women having the need to nest is SO REAL! I am shocked at myself lately...I am an organizing fool. Last week I organized and labeled our medicine cabinet. Hubby reminded me that the baby isn't going to come home and demand that the advil isn't in the same drawer as the allergy tablets. But for some reason I can't help myself. I don't think it's really for the baby at this point. Its more a compulsion that family members are going to be roaming our house looking for things and it might be helpful if our house was in order. What hubby doesn't understand is that he's been living with my way of organizing for four years. He gets the dyslexic way I go about things but others don't. Well, maybe my Mom, she lived with two dyslexics but still it would be nice to have things in order the "normal way". Although I am not sure why I have a need to stock up on toilet paper, canned goods and soap. There is grocery store a block away from the house, it's not like family members can't go out and get things for us.

This past week hubby has come home from work probably believing he will find an actual nest in our living room. I have so many "to-do" projects around the house. Poor Darwin doesn't know if he should help out or avoid me all together. I keep cleaning his dog bed over and over again. With all the new changes and furniture in the house he seems to be very confused. He doesn't take change well.

Another thing, is it odd to have a list of things the hubby like to eat? I have this strange list for my Mom when she comes to visit in November. She plans on helping out and I figure that means helping me with dinner. Hubby LOVES a home cooked meal. It might be his favorite part of the day, coming home from work and finding out whats for dinner. Hubby eats differently then others in my family. He actually likes veggies, real veggies, not just the canned kind. Crazy I know! It's an odd list to write I know, he would be happy with anything. But in my head this is TOTALLY rational!

I figure when the baby comes all this crazy planning will go away. We will be on baby time but right now we are just hanging out in the waiting room. I have 9 weeks to think of these crazy things.

Hey, at least the house is spotless, which I doubt when the baby comes will ever be that way again.

Hurtful success.

I have a new emotion today about my pregnancy. Guilt. I know that for some reading this blog that may seem strange but it's honestly how I feel. It stems from reading other blogs and their struggle with IVF and it not working for them. When I started this blog it was to inform my family and friends about our trip to Europe and why we were even taking it. It was also a travel blog, I documented our trip and took pictures, posted them to show my sister back at home that her big sister wasn't in some back ally clinic in the middle of central Europe. What I didn't expect from this blog was the connection to other fellow infertiles.

Are you out of the group once you have found success? Does your success hurt them just like others success use to hurt me? And if I am really honest, peoples success at "natural mating" still hurts me. It's a hard truth to realize... that sometimes your happiness isn't an inspiring journey for some but just another nail in the coffin.

In some infertile blogs the women are so angry and hurt by how easy it is for some to have IVF work on the first try. They are at attempt 4 or 5. I totally understand where their frustration comes from and I relate. But I can't really relate because I was one of the lucky ones that got pregnant on our first try with IVF. The connection seems to be lost. I don't want to hurt them by my joy and they don't want to hurt me by not seeming happy for me. The line we dance now is so odd and painful.

So I find myself in a new group. Where at times I feel I don't really belong there either. The expectant moms talk about how easy it was to get pregnant or how soon they will wait to start having more. Inside of me is still that infertile wanting to scream at them, "it's not so easy for everyone." And when I am asked by them if hubby and I plan to have more, it's so hard not to go off on this whole tale about how hard that would be for us. I simply say "we agreed on one" which seems to get the odd stares too.

I went to a meetup and we were sharing stories about our pregnancy. I shared that my baby was conceived through IVF and low and behold another lady said that was how she got pregnant too. I immediately turned all my attention to her. I felt rays of sisterhood pouring out me, I could seriously bond with this new mom. When we started talking more and sharing why we had to do IVF, of course I gave the speech about how there is no freeway system for the sperm in my body and no matter what we would of done the sperm wouldn't of mated with egg without some magic from the doctors. I expected her story to be similar, or one of the 10 reasons women have to have this done. But instead she said that 10 years earlier her first husband convinced her to have her tubes tied. They already had a kid and he didn't want another. They divorced and her new husband wanted his own baby. Her only option since the first doctor tied her tubes so well was IVF. Her story cut all sisterhood bonding with me. In my eyes, she took her perfectly healthy tubes, tubes that I dreamed off having and cut them! Then years later wanted to add to her already populated family. I judged her.

Now.. I take a look back at judgment and see how parallel it is to my feelings of guilt. Just like the bond of infertility has been broken between my blog friends I broke a bond because I stopped relating to that woman's journey. Both are wrong, but somehow seems inevitable because we are human.

We are constantly searching for people like us. People that understand us and "get us". We rarely allow the friends and connections to evolve when we step off the same path. And now that I am on the path of once infertile now soon to be mom who do I walk with?

Once an infertile always an infertile??

Maternity Photoshoot

This is my 100th blog post!!

So it's only fitting that my maternity pictures came in the mail today and I can share them with everyone!! We took these last week at the beach and I think they came out great. Looking forward to putting these up in the baby's room and being able to remember what a special time this was for me and the hubby.

Dogs are amazing.

If you have been reading this blog you have come to know I am somewhat obsessed with my dog, Darwin. He's been my best friend for the past three years. Always there when I need him and always willing to lick away tears or make me laugh. Just a great dog. I was reminded today of just how special dogs are when a video came into my email. I cried like a baby through it ( be warned ) but I feel so inspired by it.

The theme I most like about the video besides dogs are amazing is that you can't force things to conform. You have to let people/kids/dogs be who they are going to be. And sometimes the path they choose is more wonderful then you can ever imagine.

Pumping some iron

Well.. we had our first tiny bump in the road since the hyper-stimulation back in March. I got my blood test results from my glucose testing and the results came back that I am borderline anemic.

Surprisingly I am not too freaked out by this. I think it's because my Mom and little sister have had this at some time or another and I know it's not that big of deal. Well, it is a big deal but something that can easily be fixed.

I looked it up online and this is what I found out about anemia:

Anemia is a condition where the oxygen-carrying capacity of your blood is diminished.

If you are borderline anemic some of the symptoms you might be having include depression, fatigue, weakness, breathlessness, fainting, dizziness, nausea, inflamed or sore tongue, and headaches.

I have been experiencing some of those symptoms. Fatigue and breathlessness.. but those are also symptoms that occur in your third trimester. Hmmmm

After researching some more about how to combat this problem I found out what I need to be putting into my body.

Here is a list of foods that will also help build the blood:
Clams, oysters, legumes, tofu, organ meats, especially chicken liver, whole grains, black rice, beans, dark leafy greens, figs, seeds, nuts (especially almonds), eggs, rosehips, blackstrap molasses, and seaweeds such as kombu.

Foods that contain higher amounts of Folate are also encouraged:
Asparagus, barley, beef, brewers yeast, brown rice, cheese, chicken, dates, green leafy vegetables, lamb, lentils, legumes, liver, milk, oranges, split peas, root vegetables, salmon, tuna, wheat germ, and whole grains.

Let's see out of that entire list I like chicken, salmon, beans and nuts. The rest sounds like something you would feed me to torture me. So plan B. The doctor gave me a list of supplements to take which include iron tablets. The doctor also encouraged me to eat a steak once a week. Again, not my favorite thing in the world. I told her I would do it for the baby, because at this point the baby seems worth it. hahaha.

I did remind myself that this little bump is nothing. I have been so lucky to have a smooth pregnancy. I don't count the first month and a half with the hyper-stimulation, because that was apart of the IVF. In my pregnancy group I hear a lot of stories about how some women are really suffering through the 9 months and I just feel grateful I can't relate only support. Maybe this is my payday for having such a hard time conceiving?

So, if you have any recipes for iron rich meals or know of a good steak house that doesn't cost an arm and leg email me or comment below.

Time to start pumping some iron.

Hubby goes to the desert.

Every year the hubby makes his way to California to go camping in the middle of desert with his fraternity brothers. This tradition is over 20 years old and the hubby LOVES it. I don't see the appeal of camping in the desert.. extreme heat, smelly men, bad food and no shower. I however see the appeal of men being men and being able to connect once a year. This event is one of the reasons I love hubby so much. I love hubby's loyalty. He has kept 5 core friends from college and no matter the issue he is ALWAYS there for him. He usually only gets to see them once a year at this camping trip and yet the brotherhood between them is so strong they act like no time has ever passed. I adore this trip for him.

Before he left on his trip his buddies at the office were giving him grief. Saying that this would be the last trip he would be "allowed" to go on. After the baby is born he won't be able to go on the camping trip, they said the wife wouldn't let him go. Hubby came home relaying this message to me. We both laughed because it's so obvious that no one at his office really understands us.

I believe it's completely healthy and necessary for the hubby and I to have independence. It's one of the main attractions we have towards each other. To use words like "allow" makes marriage sound so suffocating and unpleasant to me.

Being able to spend time away from your core family and be with friends is so refreshing. It rebuilds you and reminds you of yourself. I am not saying the hubby and I are taking month long vacations away from each other. But camping trips with fraternity brothers and weekends to visit my girlfriends is a necessity to me.

I also take into account I have no idea what it's going to feel like to be a Mom. I know that it's not so cut and dry once you add a baby into the mix. But looking back on my childhood, I enjoyed when my parents dropped me off at the grandparents for the weekend or spending months in the summer with them. Having time spent away from my parents was exciting and I felt independent. I want my child to have that same feeling.

I know tonight when Darwin and I pick up hubby at the airport Darwin will squeal with delight and I will get a huge kiss and hug. Hubby will have two days worth of stories to tell and I will listening excitingly.

Plus, if you never leave how can you miss what you have?

Our Journey In Photos.

I made a small video about our journey so far. Meeting the hubby, to our wedding, honeymoon and our basic goal for the almost three years.. getting pregnant.

A New Day

I felt you this morning baby. You awoke me at 6 am. You were ready to start the day and I was ready to drift back to sleep trying to squeeze in one more hour. You were having none of that. Not even my hands stroking the belly would work to keep you still, which in the past always worked. A series of kicks and turns, I could feel and see. We waited in bed while Dad finished getting ready for work. When he was done, we both got kisses and then of course you settled down. I love feeling you baby, each kick or turn seems to fill this overflowing cup with happiness and satisfaction. Sometimes the reality of waiting another two months to hold you seems like a lifetime away. And then there are other times I want to keep you inside, protect you. But that would be selfish of me to keep you from your Daddy who seems just as eager to hold you. I love you more each day baby and your 6 am wake up calls are worth the lack of sleep.