Thursday, January 6, 2011

This is it.

I've been wrestling with an infertility issue for about a week now. Crazy to be thinking about infertility when your holding your newborn, but I am. My pregnancy group I mentioned in past blogs is moving into a new phase, we have almost all had our babies and our now transforming into a mommy support group. I love it, I feel so lucky to have these ladies around. It's been such a relief to know they are there for me and Juliette since I have no family in the area. It's my lifeline here.

But... some of the ladies are already talking about their future children. Saying things like "well, for the next one" or "we are already planning to get pregnant as soon as possible". And then it comes to me and I get asked : so how many are you and your husband having?

My husband only wants one child and I agreed to that before we married. I knew my only chance to get two would be to have twins. But we all know that didn't happen. But there was still a small part of me that thought 'well maybe he would change his mind'. I would never "trick" him, that is disgusting and not something I am capable of nor would I lie to him like that.

So when asked the question of if we are having more, I blame it on hubby. "Hubby only wants one, and I respect that" for some reason every time I say that I get the follow up question. "Is he sure about that"

Another reason this is a pressing issue for me right now is because it's time to start thinking about birth control. If we aren't going to have more we have to be proactive. Yes, I am an infertile most of the time. There is a small chance that I could have a normal cycle and then a one in a billion shot the right tube could be working. There is that small, slim chance.

That leaves it with me getting on the pill or getting an implant. Or the more logical step just taking care of it on my husbands end.

All this leaves me sad. Because now at some point I need to be comfortable and okay with that fact that it's just going to be Juliette. And I am not going to blame it on hubby anymore, it's not because he doesn't want more then one child.

I need and have realized that it's only going to be one child for us because I can't and won't put myself through the hell we went through to get our beloved baby.

Juliette is amazing and I love her with every fiber of my being and I know that if hubby and were to have more I would have that same love for those children as well. It would be just as magical and just as special but I don't have anything left in me. I don't have the courage to go through the process again. I have to mourn that fact for awhile. I have to comes to terms with it.

So while all my new friends plan and plot their next pregnancy adventures I will cherish the moments I am having now. This is it, it won't and can't get better then this. And when asked if we are having more I will simply and honestly say...

"no, Juliette is the jewel of my life"

1 comment:

  1. This is the most poignant thing I've ever read my dear. This may be "it", but it doesn't get any better.

    - Hubby