'tis the season

I haven't posted in awhile. I can't seem to get past a dark cloud that has rested above my head. Something about this holiday season just isn't bringing me the same joy it has in the past. I usually start my holiday shopping in September, lists with each family members name and ideas for their gifts. We are getting to the first of December and I haven't bought one. The news about black Friday and people buying their tree makes me turn the channel. I write it off as being sick of the greed of Christmas or commercialism of it all. But you slip one layer of that cynicism off and you find someone who's just sad. I always held the holidays as the scene in my imagination, day dreaming about being pregnant and getting baby gifts or even having those "baby first Christmas" pj's. Just wanting to pass on all those wonderful traditions my parents gave me and starting my own with my child. But, Christmas would come around and I would always tell myself "don't worry next year it will happen" and each year my Christmas wish was never answered. It's somehow lost it's magic with me.

I feel like these next couple of months will be a marathon. Just trying to get through them in one piece. There are moments I am held together by a thin string on a verge of breaking and in the next moment I am brave and proactive. I just don't have the naivete anymore to tell myself don't worry next year will be different. Because no one can be sure.