I know I am not alone when comes to feeling ashamed of my infertility. Many women go through phases during the process where you take all the guilt and place it all on yourself. Almost like talking in public about your infertile self is taboo. Remember when the word "cancer" was spoken under your breath and you would turn your head to see if anyone was listening. But now the word "cancer" isn't a dark secret. We have marathons for it, yellow bands to wear around our wrists, pink ribbons and celebrities coming out and talking about how cancer has affected them. We don't hide from talking about cancer anymore but it seems people still hide from talking about fertility. Why is that? I know I am guilty of hiding behind my infertility. People would ask my husband and I how the baby making process was going. I would grit my teeth and my husband would say the same line "we're having fun trying". Using his humor like an armor to protect me. But after the humor reflected the questions, the pain would set in. I'm not living in my truth, I am hiding.
And I was hiding today. I was at Barnes & Noble picking up a book on IVF when I noticed I was walking around the store with the book title out where everyone could see it. The big bold words "IN VITRO FERTILIZATION" with little babies on the cover. I immediately turned the book over and looked around to make sure no one had seen my dirty little secret. I now hid the book in my armpit like I had just come out of the "adult" section and didn't want the people to see I had picked up some freaky fetish book.
After a moment, I came to my senses and realized I was acting like a crazy person. I'm infertile and I am not contagious, it's not like I was buying a copy of "How To Cure Swine Flu" and sneezing on everyone. I turned that book around and held it proudly down the escalator. When I walked up to the cashier I was so jazzed with my new confidence I almost introduced myself "Hi, I am a Barnes & Noble club card member and I'm infertile and I will be paying with my debt card!!" I didn't do that but I did ask the cashier not to put my book in a bag, I was going to walk out of that store, head held high and my big book of IVF was coming with me for all to see!