Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Jagged Little Pill

About a year and a half ago there were tons of news stories about the need for women thinking about getting pregnant and women who were pregnant to get enough folic acid. New studies showed that women who took folic acid before conception had a lower risk of having a child with brain and heart issues. Easiest way to get the recommended folic acid is taking a prenatal vitamin. So at that time I got a daily dose prenatal 375 count bottle. Noticed changes right away, hair grew faster, nails grew fast. Nails grew so fast and long I am no longer a nail biter. I get manicures now because of prenatals.

It seems with everything fertility, emotions run the extreme. Its been days since I felt blue. I am getting closer to IVF and my hubby and I are taking long walks, eating better. New year, new start to life kind of thing. Yesterday was my last pill out of my 375 pill daily dose bottle of prenatals. And it just hit me. 375 days. 375 days of my life dealing with this awful mess of infertility. I bought a new bottle and as I opened it I stared at the number big and bold 3 7 5. When I bought the first bottle I thought it would last me into pregnancy, into lactation. Never into another bottle without a baby. It just hits you straight into the heart..you were fine one moment, making eggs.. you grab the vitamins like you do every morning and then WHAM! infertility slaps you across your face. Its something that takes you out of normal moments, it steals your little happiness's and makes you remember a part of you is missing. Its so difficult because my life goes on, my life will go on with or without child but I don't know how to block out these feeling and sometimes I forget what it was like to be "normal". It's hard to remember days that weren't plagued by infertility. I wish for peace, I wish my thoughts had peace.

"I wish I had a river I could skate away on, I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly" - Joni Mitchell.

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