Pregnant or Fat?

The new game at my house is called pregnant or fat? It's a very simple game. I come down stairs in an outfit and I ask my husband, 'do I look pregnant or fat?' If there is a pause or any kind of hesitation on his part I know 'fat' is the answer. If he looks straight at my belly in disbelief at how big it's got and proceeds to want to touch it, I know 'pregnant'. It's a fun and helpful game. Anyone can play this game expect for the woman at the maternity store.

Trying on clothes at a maternity store is like eating a large bowl of creamy pasta, drinking 3 large glasses of soda and then trying on bikinis only to have other women judge you. Super fun! If you don't have your big girl panties on for this shopping experience it's best to just head over to the cookie stand and eat your feelings.

The problem with the women working at the maternity stores are that they are just way to helpful. I know this sounds odd, why would a helpful sales woman be an issue. Well, the issues is... I don't want to bothered! No one bothers you at Macy's or Old Navy. In fact if you want help at 'normal' stores you have to seek it. *expect for Nordstroms, and I would never say anything bad about the holy land that is Nordies, I was raised right*

There are few stores that are for pregnant ladies, so these small maternity stores pride themselves on costumer service. You can't walk in three feet without someone asking how far along you are, what are you looking for and the killer question, what size where you before you got pregnant? To me that's like asking an alcoholic what their favorite drink was before the DUI and rehab. It's just plain rude! It would be like someone asking you, 'before you got fat and your ass became the size of Texas did you wear a size 6 or 8?'

I wouldn't say I am a style expert but I was raised by a very stylish mother. I have also read Elle and Vogue a couple times in my lifetime. I think if someone would categorize my style it would be pacific northwest casual. Dark denim, plan solid shirt with flip flops. All well fitted items but nothing with much flare. I also know my body type. It's an hourglass figure with a couple extra hours on it. Just knowing these simple facts about myself and being comfortable in my own skin makes the sales ladies squirm.

I tried on several pairs of capri pants and had little luck with finding something that a) fit my body type and b) made me look pregnant not fat. The sales lady would keeping asking, 'how's it going' and I would simply say not well. I showed the ladies the issues I was having and it was like holding a seminar. It was as if it never dawned on them that a pregnant woman doesn't want to look fat. DUH! Even the guy refinishing the dressing room next to me understood this fact. Although it was kind of creepy when he would comment on certain outfits. But I won't judge him, he said I had nice legs and enjoyed the color purple on me.

I guess this whole rant it about choice. There is little to no choice in clothes for pregnant ladies. Sure, sure celebrities have maternity lines but I didn't spend over $50 bucks on jeans before why would I start when I was pregnant and could only wear them for 7 months? I want to be that cute pregnant lady, simple, classy and pregnant looking.

I will say one positive thing about maternity clothes. Whoever invented pants with the large nylon type band that goes over the belly should really win a Nobel Peace Prize. I would like to shake their hand that say thank you, I may wear pants like this for the rest of my life.

Sleepiness, hairy tummy and veins.. Oh My!

I will try to write this blog without falling asleep on the keyboard. So far at any moment I seem to be able to fall into a deep sleep no matter where I am and regardless of time. 12 hours of sleep the night before, doesn't matter - sleepy is a way of life now. I have a strict bedtime of 8pm. I will start to yawn around 7pm and will lay my head down right at 8. There is no tossing or turning, no reading in bed or tv. I am in a coma at 8. If you need me, I will be up in 12 hours!

I would also like to know why in the world I have started to grow peach like fuzz all over my belly? Is the baby cold? I have more hair on my stomach then my husband has on his chest, and as funny as that sounds, it's a true story! Summer is around the corner, thank goodness I wasn't planning on wearing a two piece. I would have to shave or wax this ever growing bump. Would it just grow in darker like leg hair if you shaved it? In another 4 months will I look like the bride of BigFoot? Count my blessings that at least the hair is growing on my tummy and not my chin. There is a bright side to this...right?

I can't seem to find the bright side to my new National Geographic chest. Not only are they so sore that certain fabrics just aren't working for me but what's up with the veins? I have one vein that starts at my ear and crosses the neck into the cleavage. I look like an extra to a vampire movie. I guess it's fitting since we live in Seattle, it's where all the Twilight movies are filmed. I am vampire bait.

Another oddity.. I've lost weight! We are 3 months into this journey and I am down 5lbs. Get pregnant, lose weight. It's a diet miracle. If I only had this sever distaste for food back in my early 20s. The tummy still grows out but the scale goes down.

But here's the thing, I would take all these body changes and more. I get so mad at friends of mine who complain about what pregnancy did to their bodies. Do they not realize that I would of traded them all the morning sickness, fat asses and swollen ankles to be in their position. Their position to complain. I don't feel like I am complaining about whats happening to my body. I find great humor and pride in it. Knowing I am tired means the baby is growing, the veiny boobs means soon they will have propose and as far as tummy hair, that's just funny.

Ya, your jeans may never fit the same way or ass may never look good again. But, your arms will always have someone to hold. And I would take a fat ass for that.

"I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille"

It's very odd to have such early pictures of your baby. To have a picture of your baby when it is just 5 cells is beyond imagination. But I have that. This baby will have the most comprehensive baby book ever!

Here's an ultrasound picture when the baby was just a few weeks old. Just a sac and the start of a fetal pole.


Here's the baby at 11 weeks. Hubby thinks the baby looks like Snoopy. If you look at where the dots are that's the baby. It's not a high quality picture because my doctor did this ultrasound. We'll get a much better picture next week when I go to the clinic to have it done.

As the bump grows...

Last night I placed my hand on my belly. I could feel the pulse of my own fingers and I imaged that it was the pulse of the baby. The rhythmic beat of the blood flowing into my hand making a pulse was the same blood that is flowing from me to the baby. A hypnotic trance took over and slowly it drew my eyes to sleep.

I find comfort in placing my hand on my stomach, a natural extension of my arm. It no longer falls at my side but to the center of our universe right now, my belly. Hubby's hands no longer reach around me but seem to just migrate straight for the bump.

I thought I knew what romance and intimacy was before this experience but there have been so many moments that prove that romance isn't a fine dinner or flowers and intimacy isn't just sweet pillow talk.

True intimacy in it's new form in my life is when hubby prepped the needle in a foreign country because I couldn't convert the math. Intimacy is raising my shirt and exposing a bruised belly and hubby cleaning a spot for a new injection. True intimacy is an ER room where the doctor tells you that a test you need would damage the pregnancy and my hubby leaning into my ear and says he picks my safety above all else. And romance is when in the end you don't have to make a choice.

Romance is in a new form of kiss. A kiss goodnight is not only for me but for the baby. And the first time hubby kissed my belly was the most romantic moment of them all. And in this journey we both would trade a fine dinner and flowers for a monitor in a doctors office to watch the baby dance on it's screen.

As the months move along I know that things will continue to change and that things that seems concrete to me will soon have more flexibility. Everything seems to be changing but changing in a way that is more beautiful and wonderful then I could ever imagined.

'A dream is a wish your heart makes'

It's been so hard not to blog the past month and a half. The hubby and I wanted to keep this private until we knew for sure. We tried to think of it like we were a 'normal' couple who wouldn't make an announcement until after a certain point. But since we told the world we were doing IVF we weren't a normal couple...well we are at a certain point now.

So let the joyful news be spread, Melissa is at last PREGNANT!

So here's whats been happening over the past two months:

About a week after we got home from Prague I was getting really antsy to take a home pregnancy test. The clinic and doctors really advise not doing this because you could still have some left over hormones from the IVF medication that could trigger a false positive. They prefer you to wait to day 14 and get a blood test. Well, I researched online and found that the last shot leaves your body 10 days after you take it. I was at day 12. Needless to say I took the test. I am a pro at taking home pregnancy tests. In fact I should of bought stock in these tests with how much I was spending on them each month. I am also a pro at receiving negative news from them. I took the test.. waited... and as if time stood still, two lines. I ran down stairs searching for hubby, pants still half way down my legs. I could barely get the words out of my mouth 'I'm pregnant' and as soon as I said it, as soon as he walked over and hugged me.. the ugly cry happened. The cry that is not pretty, not movie worthy or picture ready. The cry that makes your face curl up and your nose run and the hands start to wave around. I cried. I cried, and I cried. It felt like a giant piece of weight left my body and for the first time in almost two years I was about to take a breath. And when I took my first breath of relief, I smiled. Two years melted away like they never happened. All the pain and frustration all the tears and pain just evaporated from my memory.

I had always knew in my heart that the day would come and I would get a positive test. I never lost hope, I never stopped daydreaming about what that moment would feel like, and as is everything in life. No matter how good the daydreams are or how real the fantasy seems to be it never compares to the real thing. I could live in that moment for the rest of my life. The moment when everything you ever wanted, came true.

As the past blog shows I got very sick with hyper stimulation about 3 days after my positive home pregnancy test. Basically my ovaries were having such a good time growing they just didn't want to stop. As they got bigger and bigger they started leaking and putting a lot of fluid in my abdomen, kidneys and lungs. This made for a lot of tears and and the overwhelming feeling like someone was stabbing my stomach with a knife. But, the good news was that hyper stimulation is caused by pregnancy, so it was a double edge sword. Good news your pregnant, bad news your body really enjoys the hormones and wants to keep making eggs.

My first ultrasound in the ER didn't show any sign of a pregnancy. Which was okay, it was still WAY to soon to see anything. But the blood work came back positive and a few days later my blood work had doubled which meant we were on the right track.

I was monitored a lot because the doctors were very concerned about blood clots and all the fluid in my lungs. So I got to have another ultrasound about two weeks later and with that ultrasound we saw a sac start to form and the start of a fetal pole! That's when the hubby and I started to get very excited. Plus with the hyper stimulation starting to get better I started to really feel early pregnancy symptoms. Bring on the morning sickness and food aversion.

Yesterday we had another ultrasound. To see if the hyper stimulation was gone for good. And it was! The hubby was there holding my hand, and on the screen we saw our baby. Like a little Mexican jumping bean, dancing all over. The lil one even moved an arm and waved like he/she was saying "hey parents, it me, your kid" You stare at the monitor and are overwhelmed with emotion, the tears flow down and all you want to do is freeze this moment in time. And when the doctor put the sound on and we heard the heart beat, no music has ever sounded so sweet.

We are at 11 weeks and two days. Due date is November 22. A Thanksgiving baby, so fitting if you ask me.