The sunshine is calling!!

Well, I am packing for our annual trip to the Caribbean! This will be the 17th annual Concerts at Sea that my Mom produces. Yes, she is super woman! Looking forward to spending time with family and friends while helping Mom get her shows going. This will be a great break for the hubby and I before the main event happens in a couple of weeks. Get our sun and drink on while we can!

www.concertsatsea.com

Here's a picture of me two years ago. My husband convinced me to get scooters and explore Grand Cayman. I was so reluctant at first. Heard all my Mom's horror stories of her clients getting broken arms and legs on them. But I did it, looked like the biggest loser in my helmet and had a GREAT time. Sometimes it takes someone special to get you out of your box, makes you do something you wouldn't. I am lucky to have married that person.

Catelynn.

So today I ended up watching Teen Mom on MTV while I was eating my lunch. The show pisses me off to no end, not because they are teen moms and I am not an adult mom but because the girls are so DUMB! Except for one girl, Catelynn. Catelynn was 16 when she got pregnant and made the brave choice to give her baby up for adoption. Her story is so heart braking. She didn't get any support from her parents and they continue even after the adoption to question her decision. I am amazed at how she rises above the ashes like a phoenix and she moves on with her life the best she can. In the episode I just watched she seems to be getting into a deep depression over her decision and desire to have contact with her baby. Her adoption agency made available a weekend retreat with other birth moms. After watching Catelynn have numerous a-ha moments through out the weekend it made me come up with one too. Catelynn said that after that weekend she felt bonded with the other girls. That she now knows that when she was on that table giving birth and when she gave her baby up she wasn't alone. That all the birth moms were there with her too. I started to cry and as the tears came down I knew she was right. It was a light bulb moment. Every time I laid on that table and was pinched and poked and every time I shot myself up with drugs I wasn't the only one doing that same thing. I wasn't alone. I don't feel Catelynn's story and my story are that different. The same way women who have had babies, women who have lost babies and women who can't have them but desire them are all the same. Motherhood is the link. A link between women. I need to remember that in the future. I am not alone, we are all connected in this.

I found the youtube video of the adoption...

Buying Drugs.

Today I bought drugs. Of course they were fertility drugs and not something super fun or illegal. They did however almost brake my credit card buying them. So unfair to spend that kind of money on medication instead of Louis Vuitton luggage (said in my mother in laws French accent, I love the way she says Louis Vuitton) I did however find it funny that I was buying drugs and my itunes started playing Bob Marley. I had to remind my computer that Gonal F injections is nothing like smoking on the hash pipe. And I kid you not, my itunes random mode starting playing 'Cocaine' by Eric Clapton. I swear itunes reads my thoughts sometimes.

Jagged Little Pill

About a year and a half ago there were tons of news stories about the need for women thinking about getting pregnant and women who were pregnant to get enough folic acid. New studies showed that women who took folic acid before conception had a lower risk of having a child with brain and heart issues. Easiest way to get the recommended folic acid is taking a prenatal vitamin. So at that time I got a daily dose prenatal 375 count bottle. Noticed changes right away, hair grew faster, nails grew fast. Nails grew so fast and long I am no longer a nail biter. I get manicures now because of prenatals.

It seems with everything fertility, emotions run the extreme. Its been days since I felt blue. I am getting closer to IVF and my hubby and I are taking long walks, eating better. New year, new start to life kind of thing. Yesterday was my last pill out of my 375 pill daily dose bottle of prenatals. And it just hit me. 375 days. 375 days of my life dealing with this awful mess of infertility. I bought a new bottle and as I opened it I stared at the number big and bold 3 7 5. When I bought the first bottle I thought it would last me into pregnancy, into lactation. Never into another bottle without a baby. It just hits you straight into the heart..you were fine one moment, making eggs.. you grab the vitamins like you do every morning and then WHAM! infertility slaps you across your face. Its something that takes you out of normal moments, it steals your little happiness's and makes you remember a part of you is missing. Its so difficult because my life goes on, my life will go on with or without child but I don't know how to block out these feeling and sometimes I forget what it was like to be "normal". It's hard to remember days that weren't plagued by infertility. I wish for peace, I wish my thoughts had peace.

"I wish I had a river I could skate away on, I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly" - Joni Mitchell.

45 days and counting

Yes I know... freaking crazy! 45 days tell I put my infertile butt on a plane and try our hand at IVF!! I don't think this reality has set in just yet. Kind of like my parents moving to Florida this spring, it won't be real until I visit their new home in Florida. I don't think this amazing trip will feel real until I step onto the plane.

I have been working with my case worker, Kayleen at My IVF Alternative. She is very supportive and answers all my silly questions. What I really like about My IVF Alternative is how well organized and planned out everything has been. They are a well oiled machine. And the owner and the case workers have all been through IVF in the Czech Republic. Kayleen got twin girls out of her experience! They have been where I am and their stories and support mean so much to me.

Kayleen is in direct contact with my doctor in Brno. Two days ago they emailed me my protocol. Lots of information! Now on Monday I will either drive to Canada to get my meds or order them online. Need to do a little more research on which is the most affordable.

Now off to give my stinky dog Darwin his bath. =)

What I learned in 2009

I have never been one to celebrate the new year. I don't have the best track record with the holiday. Example: showing up to a party not knowing it was a costume party, but no one noticed I wasn't in costume, I guess my skirt was just that eccentric. One year I went to a party and in front of complete strangers I fell down the porch stairs in the snow. I had a wet butt and was known through out the evening as the girl who fell down. Or the year I was stood up and spent the evening watching Sex and the City reruns at my parents house. So for the past 4 or 5 years I spent the new year at home, safe from falling and costume parties. Last night was no exception and it was wonderful.

With all the end of the year count downs. Year's most amazing news stories, top movies and songs. I can't help but reflect on what 2009 has meant to me. I keep wondering if 2009 is just the year plagued with infertility or are their other things that I will look back on? Here's what I came up with:

-2009 is the year I looked into the mirror and realized it will take more then just light concealer to hide the black circles that magically appeared under my eyes this year.

-2009 is the year the lady behind the make up desk asked what my anti-aging regiment was at night. I told her I didn't have one. She gave me a very cynical glare and asked if I was just waiting for the wrinkles to appear?

-2009 is the year I learned owning a dog in Seattle is about the same cost equivalent as having a child in my home town of Boise, Idaho.

-2009 is the year I learned that when your best friend has a baby you have extra space in your heart for their baby and and that their happiness is contagious.

-2009 is the year my husband and I got to have to ourselves.

-2009 is the year I learned my pain tolerance not only for physical pain but emotional pain is larger then I could of even imagined. I never gave myself credit for how strong I am until 2009.

But I think the most important thing I learned in 2009 is that life isn't always fair, you sometimes get the short end of the stick but if your lucky enough to have an amazing husband, beloved family and friends somehow you get by...

As for 2010, I hope for tears of joy and peace with whatever happens.